Caste-rated

Politicians have acquired the uncanny ability to hit where it hurts. Punches and jabs below the belt are the norm. When Mr. Arjun Singh proclaimed to grant an almost 50 percent reservations in the IIMs, IITs and the other premier institutions, there were definitely a few gasps and boos in the crowd. But I stuck on to him and gave him some credit.. ( the italian ass-licker that he is).. and analyzed the situation from a different angle.. (ofcourse, even well fed dobermans are not this loyal nowadays)

Which numbskull would treat reservation as someones birth-right.. and a man of Arjun Singh's genious ?.... Nah. Something was out of place..It just did not make sense. I got thinking. For about 5 hours, nothing occured to me... and after a few shots of Seinfeld, Southpark and Jose Cuervo..I fell asleep with the booze in my hand.. and the lappy on my face. Just then, like a bolt of ligthning, it struck me. ...

HENPECKING!... .. yes, yes, HENPECKING!!...I analyzed this for a while... and voila, it made sense... and the various pieces of the puzzle suddenly started falling in place...

Let me tell you how it must have gone..

The previous night, when Arjun (lets shed the last name for a while.. as it is too much to type;) came home... Madam (ofcourse, that is what he must be calling his better half) was waiting at the doorstep with a broom-stick. With the saari tightly tucked at her waist, and the lips glossed all over with her favourite "masala paan", she gazed with red eyes on her poor ol hubby. Our dear Arjun was caught unawares.. and before he could take any evasive action... BAM!... the broom landed twice.. once on his head.. and the next on his crotch.. Poor Arjun was breathless and could not comprehend this, well, not-so-unexpected turn of events...

[
This is how it had been for the past 35 years... Whenever he forgot to milk the cow in the morning.. or fetch the newspaper... he got a "jhaadu-ki-jhappi" in the evening... but today it was more serious.. crotchi-fication...
This had never happened before... never.
Arjun's brain started to immediately calculate the probable causes...

Clean the toilet - DONE
Mop the Floor - DONE
Make dung-cakes in the stable - DONE
Vegetable Shopping - F@#$ing Shit!!

Arjun knew that Madam loved to eat. (How else would anyone gain 250 pounds 10 years!) What he had done was unpardonable.. and he quietly succumbed to what his nemesis had in store for him.
]

Madam said
"Kyon budhau? Sabjzee bhool gaye tum".. "Fokat ka khane ki aadat padh gayi hai tumko".. "Aaj se tumhara raashan paani band".. "Kal yaad se jo kaha tha lete aana..... nahin to......."

And then...madam went to bed making sure that the door bangs right into Arjun's face... and poor ol Arjun slept on the verandah .. ( as he had done the previous night.. and the previous.. and the previous.. and ... well what the heck...now he had started liking the smell of the sand outside)

The next day.. he got up.. did all his chores and made a mental note to get the job done today...The pressure was too much to handle that day. Last night was a narrow escape from permanent celibacy by forced castration. All sorts of numbers started floating in his head... Tomatoes - 4.95 Rs per kg... Onions.. 10 Rs per kg..... In the middle of this number crunching, he blurted out......"There will be 49.5 percent caste based reservation in these institutes going forward"...

Obviously, there was only one thought on in his mind -

"What did madam ask me to get from the sabzi-mandi?"
"Was it 10 kg baingan or 10 kg tomatoes?"
"Darn, I am going to loose my lungi tonight ( ofcourse wiping the floor)"

Amid these thoughts, he must have blurted out 49.5 instead of 22 odd percent.

Now, this leads one onto another train of thought. Why exactly 49.5? why not 100 or 75 or 0 for that matter?

After some furious head-n-butt scrathing, I had to revert to the eGods for the answer - Google and Wikipedia. After some serious ePrayers, i stumbled upon the answer - BANANAS !!.


49.5 was the price of 10 dozen bananas that day.

...and hell yeah.... THE PEP is back !!

Euphemising the F word.

All humans hurl invectives. Some do it covertly and the rest otherwise. The socially elite gripe that this erodes the fabric that binds us together. It is considered to be an antisocial trait - a blemish on ones character. One is branded, tabooed and shun because of his "gandi zabaan".

Subtelty is elusive in the vernacular of the common man. After all, being subtle requires a thought-process, a need to euphemise, a skill which not many are bestowed with. When the blood starts burning, the eyes turn fiery, we clench our fists and we grind our teeth there is not much scope for a smart-ass well-thought-out comeback, Is there? The only thought that possesses the mind is to how to get even one way or the other.

What is the point if the other does not get the hint - hidden as an easter egg - in the sarcastic comeback? One might come up with the perfect punchline but what if the other does not have a clue? Would it not irritate more to see the resurgence lost in vain? Doesnt it please the mind as well as the sadistic instints when one can see the same anger and irritation overpowering the aggressor? Like hell, it does.

Why sacrifice the F word on the guillotine of society when you can use it and set your rage free....Give me one F'ing reason.

~Dead Pep

Blogito Ergo Sum.

The blogging phenomenon is taking over the world. Here amateurs and professionals are treated alike with a freedom to voice their opinions like never before. Here, you can belch, you can fart or you can speak your heart out. You can let your imagination run wild and your thoughts go crazy. Never before did individuals get so much liberty in expressing their viewpoints.

Each blog is a peep hole into the identity of an individual - his different moods - his likes - his dislikes - his musings and his opinions. Each page gives an opening, however small, into the individual's identity - into his true self. That is why you would see so many anonymous or encryped names. Not many care to reveal themselves and in a way this allows them to say what they really feel - deep inside.

Nothing misses our eyes nor are we fearful of anything. We are an army and a real good one at that. Though we dont fight with arms and ammunition we keep things in check be it the media, the corporations or the governments. We dont succumb, we are intrepid, we are resolute and we never back down. We are the voice of the nation and nothing can stop us. We have arrived !

We blog, therefore we ARE.

The pizzeria interview.

Today is the era of interviews over the phone. The days when these were mano-a-mano are long gone and over with. Hungry, if you are, would you then, wanna schedule one with these pizza corporations.

This is an attempt to adumbrate one of the most gruelling ones, that I have had in the recent past. Paralyzed by pangs of hunger, on the verge of a collapse did I muster to reach the phone and it there it began.. what can be called a tirade of sorts.

Me: He...llo
The Woman* On The Other End ( called TWO-TOE henceforth, for reasons obvious): Hi, thank you for calling pizza magnifico (the real identity has been concealed for fears of being sued for defamation, however, for the uninquisitive or the technically-challenged this would not matter anyways). This is two-toe. How may I serve you today?

Me: Hel...lo...

Two-toe: Hi, would you want to go through our specials today?
Me: Er..

Two-toe: We have the italian delight king-size special with two toppings and a two litre soda all for 19.99. The meat-lovers magnifico medium-size with buffalo wings for 14.99..
Me: (%$#%$#)

Two-toe: The small-size succulent pepperoni with one topping and a side salad for 9.99. What would you like to have sir?
This is when i could say my first complete word, so I decided to stay away from the seemingly-long salutation - Hello and stick to the contemporary Hi and follow it with a quick order.
Me:Hi, I would like to place an order for a medium size pizza. (This was said at a speed which could give the worlds-fastest-speaker a run for his money)

Two-toe: What kind of medium pizza would you want sir? We have the gourmet, the supreme meat-lovers , the all meat marvel...
At this point, my instincts told me, and rightly so, that another mini-menu was in the offing. So, I decided to cut (the crap) now..
Me: I will have the gourmet, PLEASE.

Two-toe: What kind of crust would you like sir?
Me: Regular.

Two-toe: We also have the pan, the skinny and the stuffed crust sir. Are you sure you want to go with the Regular. The stuffed crust contains quality cheddar cheese and comes at only an addition of 2.99
Me: (WTF.. She sounds like my highschool principal. Having no more energy to scowl, I barked..) "REGULAR"

Two-toe:Ok. A regular - medium sized gourmet pizza.
Me: (Almost in an exult.. ) Yes !!

By now, I knew the kind of satisfaction pet-owners get when their pets learn to pee on the tree outside the house and not on the couch... and just when I thought it was all over...

Two-toe:What kind of toppings would you like sir?
Me: SHIT!

Two-toe: Excuse me, sir?
Me: (Realizing that the voices in my mind were getting more and more vocal...but having no way to get out of this, I did what all men do best. I pretended as if nothing happened) Excuse me?

Two-toe: Ahem... What kind of toppings would you like sir?
Me: (Relieved that my rudimentary ploy worked..) What do you offer?

(At this moment, I felt, as if I have streaked out and have started running on the Autobahn head-on against oncoming traffic in a strait-jacket. Cursing myself for this moronish utterance and for having no hair on my head to pluck off, I said a silent prayer.I had thrown myself unarmed at the mercy of my arch-nemesis - two-toe. She was killing me.... slowly .. but yeah surely. Cringing, I waited for what my fate had to offer..)

Two-toe:We have mushrooms, tomatoes, chicken, olives, green pepers and onions.
Me:(Ah, that "and". That so very lovey "and". That "and" seemed to put an end to my misery and this torture seemed to be reaching an end. But, life is not that generous, is it?... It started then...)

Two-toe: Also, sir, we have the hickory sausages, shrimp and anchovies....
Me: (Arrrrgh... Not able to take it any more...) Chicken and onions.

Two-toe: Ok.A regular - medium sized gourmet pizza with chicken and onions. Is that all sir?
Me: (It was by now, that I had started sweating... and my hands trembled holding the phone and my left ear had gone red. I decided I had been pulling hard on the nigh side and decided to provide the right an equal opportunity)

Two-toe: Sir?
Me: Yes, please.

Two-toe: Yes, sir?
Me: A regular - medium sized gourmet pizza with chicken and onions please.

Two-toe: Alright. Would you want to try our buffalo wings or the side salad ?
Me: No.

Two-toe: Would you want something to drink sir?
Me: No !!

Two-toe:How would you want to pay sir?
Me: NO !!

Two-toe: I am sorry sir?
Me: Er... Ahem...C...C...Cash.

Two-toe: Alright sir. Can I have your phone number with your area code first sir?
Me: Beep Beep Beep.... Beep Beep Beep.. Beep Beep Beep.

Two-toe:Alright sir, we have you in our system. We will deliver it at... Blah Blah (My address). You order will be ready in 45 minutes.
Me: Thank you. Thank you very much. (At this point, I could not help but notice a striking resemblance between a mendicant and me)

Two-toe: You are most welcome. Also, our Party Packs are great for any kind of gathering with friends at the office, at home, at sporting events or in our own banquet room.. If you would wish...
Me: Nooossss.....( and bang..... the call disconnected...and the nightmare ended..)

My roommate: Hey, what happened? You look worn out?
Me: Er.... it is over man.. it is finally over.. I did it and I will live to see another day.

My roommate: (Puzzled over my reaction... but dismissing any assumptions that came to his mind) So what did you order?
Me: Dude, I have no freaking clue..

( *This, by no means, means to defame the fairer sex. For all that I hold near and dear in this world, it could have well been a man, and my reactions would not have been a cent different. )

Who's responsible for India's woes?

* The views expressed below are not mine, and though I strongly and fervidly second them, it is not my style to embody articles in MY space. However, to every rule there is an exception and a mere mortal like me, trying to resist temptations, has to give in now - if not then. So, here I have, besmirching my own principles (and boy, my conscience is going to flagellate me for this), pilferaged this write-up into my own.
Nevertheless, before i reach the epitome of qualmishness, this is an excerpt from Rediff.com. So, as you are here, do read on*
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"These foreigners," said the irate, elderly Bangalorean, "they come here and spoil everything." Not since the days when Indira Gandhi, in Stalinesque fashion, routinely blamed the "foreign hand" for all the ills that beset India had I heard foreigners being reviled so comprehensively.

And like Mrs Gandhi, this doughty citizen of Bangalore was holding foreigners squarely culpable for the garden city's rapid descent into urban purgatory. Bangalore, he elaborated, was just fine till all these foreign investors came along with their demands for cost-effective IT solutions, putting unwarranted pressures on the city. Had Bangalore not become India's Silicon Valley, the city would have been as beautiful and pleasant as before.

It was an interesting comment in a week that saw the India story being so prominently showcased to the cream of the world's investing and opinion-shaping community at Davos. Juxtapose the global event with this local attitude and you get a pretty good idea of the ambivalence that prevails towards economic reform today.

True, economic liberalisation and growth, in which foreign investment has played a prominent role, has made India more visibly prosperous today. But it has also generated its share of new problems and insecurities.

Environmental degradation is one of them; the decline of India's cities is another. As inequalities grow, worsening law and order is a third.

In the absence of any notable public initiatives to stem the decline, multinationals with their mega-investments have proved a convenient alibi to explain all these ills.

Are they guilty as charged? My case is that they are as responsible or irresponsible as our governments allow them to be. So yes, they've crowded into cities like Bangalore, Hyderabad and Gurgaon, putting unprecedented demands on civic amenities.

Should they be held responsible when civic authorities show scant inclination to find appropriate responses to the issue? Would it not be more suitable for urban governments to look at ways of building on the trend they have set in putting India on the global investment map? Should they not look for ways to improve the quality of life to attract more investment like, say, Beijing and Shanghai?

Given that businesses exist to make profit, it is in the interests of their managements to maximise return on investment. Surely, it is the government's responsibility to ensure that such investments maximise the return on prosperity for its citizenry? In Orissa, where tribals are being deprived of adequate compensation for their land as they make way for the big projects, much opprobrium is being heaped on foreign and domestic companies alike for doing tribals out of their rightful due.

The question is: shouldn't the state governments be balancing the interests of its people with the demands of big business?

In Gurgaon, which probably has the highest concentration of foreign business presence per acre than any other city in India, basic amenities such as power, water, roads and public transport are conspicuous by their scarcity.

A world-class private sector exists in what is little better than a moffusil town in this city. Who should be blamed for this - foreign corporations for setting base there or the local authorities for abdicating their responsibilities?

If soft drinks contain contaminated water, as was alleged, is the government not as culpable for lax standards as the manufacturers themselves?

It is not as though public governance needs to become a casualty on the altar of economic liberalisation. The sharp reduction in pollution in the National Capital Region demonstrates how local government, pressured by civil society, can institute pollution norms that protect the health of its denizens without damaging the growth prospects of the automobile industry.

This, in fact, is one of the few areas in which India can actually advise the municipal authorities in Beijing and Shanghai, both of which are covered in a haze of pollution reminiscent of Delhi's pre-CNG days.

Unlike in the earlier years of reform, India is now a sought-after investment destination. With economic growth accelerating as the latest official statistics suggest and a weak civil society, governments not only need to be more vigilant about public welfare, they need to search for solutions that creatively balance the interests of the two.

For instance, no one will deny that it makes little sense to succumb to airport employees' threats against an urgently needed airport modernisation plan. Agreeing to absorb those employees that the private investors do not employ is hardly a durable solution. But in the absence of a public safety net as many other emerging economies are putting in place, the government has little room for manoeuvre. India's future does not lie in holding foreigners or businessmen responsible for its problems but at looking at ways of maximising their potential to the country's benefit.

Shun the bath.

Bathing is an epidemic. It is a gradually evolving systemic anomaly in the genetic composition of human beings. It is all set to erode the very fabric that keeps us lords of our own wills. It is growing day by day and until we, as citizens of tomorrow, do something, it could spawn to be the achilles heel of mankind.

Why do we need to bathe ? Our ancestors never did. Nor do the millions of other species who inhabit the earth. Cockroaches - the most enduring species on this planet - who might continue to live way beyond our reign - never bathe. If we are to outlive others, we should stop this heinous act right away.

Having to bathe is an indication of weak will. Nothing happens to the body if it doesnt bathe. It is a shortcoming in the brain. In the end only the ones who are strong both mentally and physically will survive. (Darwins soul might be turning in his grave if he finds out what we have become). So it is very essential that bathing be avoided at all costs.

It is because of this mindset that we live with smaller apartments and houses. Had our minds not known about bathing - we would have done away with the bathroom, the bathtub, the huge water bills, the body soaps and the likes. Just imagine a world where no one had to bathe. All their hard earned money would not have gone down the drain (Literally). Everyone would flourish. There wont be rich and the poor. Just fellow humans.

We call ourselves different from animals because we have feelings and emotions. Each year thousands die because of droughts and thirst while we lay in our bathtubs. The very thought is repulsive. Come to think of it, lying in the bathtub is nothing by submersing oneself in his\her own filth.

I say, anyone caught or known to bathe should be convicted and drowned, for, it is these people who are setting a wrong precedent for fellow humans.

Independence Day

Independent India will be 59 years old this year...in schools they told me that i was the citizen of tomorrow. I look around and see the faces of people.. men, women and children going about pursuing their daily regimens oblivious of what is to face them tomorrow and what it would mean then. They seem so worn, jaded and cynical. I wonder what purpose I am going to serve.

To my fellow citizens-of-the-future, Independence Day only meant early mornings in starched uniforms on school grounds relieved only by the comforting thought of no more classes. In the college, it was more realistic and practical. The chowkidar unfurled the flag while we snored with our mouths agape in the dorms.

I am in control.

We are a hypocritic race. We know that given the chance and liberty we would go ahead and do the unthinkable. We might rob others, slit others throats, streak around in the open or maybe defecate all around. That is why we need governments, the police, the bureaucracy just to keep us sane and with limits of the minimum moral behaviour. We humans spend a lot of our hard earned money as taxes which are nothing but the fuel to run the governments in place. Besides, we spend even more money and time in electing these governing bodies time and time again. Do we accept all their proposals? Nah. We are more than often unhappy with their workings and so you would see a million public interest litigations slapped on their very own governing bodies. In short, we pay so that someone's is always there to spank us if our minds start doing the thing called "thinking" but at the same time we are not happy with their job. We want to be spanked more and harder.
God gave us the mind but it leads us astray. God have us the heart but it is involved in a constant turmoil with the brain. The most evolved creature to ever tread on Earth is just a piece of meat and bones who if left to his own wits, would go back on four legs faster than one can fathom. We are a confused entity. We have no purpose nor an identity. Still we like it when someone tells us that we are in control of our lives. The reality is that we dont even know what the word control means. Human beings are beyond their own control. They cannot resist the urges within their bodies and moreso in their minds. So, they have devised the philosophies of psychology and meditation inorder to give themselves a psuedo-satisfaction of being in charge. But the reality is that they are as much in control of their own emotions, feelings and desires as they are in control of the earths rotation or the expansion of the universe.