The pizzeria interview.

Today is the era of interviews over the phone. The days when these were mano-a-mano are long gone and over with. Hungry, if you are, would you then, wanna schedule one with these pizza corporations.

This is an attempt to adumbrate one of the most gruelling ones, that I have had in the recent past. Paralyzed by pangs of hunger, on the verge of a collapse did I muster to reach the phone and it there it began.. what can be called a tirade of sorts.

Me: He...llo
The Woman* On The Other End ( called TWO-TOE henceforth, for reasons obvious): Hi, thank you for calling pizza magnifico (the real identity has been concealed for fears of being sued for defamation, however, for the uninquisitive or the technically-challenged this would not matter anyways). This is two-toe. How may I serve you today?

Me: Hel...lo...

Two-toe: Hi, would you want to go through our specials today?
Me: Er..

Two-toe: We have the italian delight king-size special with two toppings and a two litre soda all for 19.99. The meat-lovers magnifico medium-size with buffalo wings for 14.99..
Me: (%$#%$#)

Two-toe: The small-size succulent pepperoni with one topping and a side salad for 9.99. What would you like to have sir?
This is when i could say my first complete word, so I decided to stay away from the seemingly-long salutation - Hello and stick to the contemporary Hi and follow it with a quick order.
Me:Hi, I would like to place an order for a medium size pizza. (This was said at a speed which could give the worlds-fastest-speaker a run for his money)

Two-toe: What kind of medium pizza would you want sir? We have the gourmet, the supreme meat-lovers , the all meat marvel...
At this point, my instincts told me, and rightly so, that another mini-menu was in the offing. So, I decided to cut (the crap) now..
Me: I will have the gourmet, PLEASE.

Two-toe: What kind of crust would you like sir?
Me: Regular.

Two-toe: We also have the pan, the skinny and the stuffed crust sir. Are you sure you want to go with the Regular. The stuffed crust contains quality cheddar cheese and comes at only an addition of 2.99
Me: (WTF.. She sounds like my highschool principal. Having no more energy to scowl, I barked..) "REGULAR"

Two-toe:Ok. A regular - medium sized gourmet pizza.
Me: (Almost in an exult.. ) Yes !!

By now, I knew the kind of satisfaction pet-owners get when their pets learn to pee on the tree outside the house and not on the couch... and just when I thought it was all over...

Two-toe:What kind of toppings would you like sir?
Me: SHIT!

Two-toe: Excuse me, sir?
Me: (Realizing that the voices in my mind were getting more and more vocal...but having no way to get out of this, I did what all men do best. I pretended as if nothing happened) Excuse me?

Two-toe: Ahem... What kind of toppings would you like sir?
Me: (Relieved that my rudimentary ploy worked..) What do you offer?

(At this moment, I felt, as if I have streaked out and have started running on the Autobahn head-on against oncoming traffic in a strait-jacket. Cursing myself for this moronish utterance and for having no hair on my head to pluck off, I said a silent prayer.I had thrown myself unarmed at the mercy of my arch-nemesis - two-toe. She was killing me.... slowly .. but yeah surely. Cringing, I waited for what my fate had to offer..)

Two-toe:We have mushrooms, tomatoes, chicken, olives, green pepers and onions.
Me:(Ah, that "and". That so very lovey "and". That "and" seemed to put an end to my misery and this torture seemed to be reaching an end. But, life is not that generous, is it?... It started then...)

Two-toe: Also, sir, we have the hickory sausages, shrimp and anchovies....
Me: (Arrrrgh... Not able to take it any more...) Chicken and onions.

Two-toe: Ok.A regular - medium sized gourmet pizza with chicken and onions. Is that all sir?
Me: (It was by now, that I had started sweating... and my hands trembled holding the phone and my left ear had gone red. I decided I had been pulling hard on the nigh side and decided to provide the right an equal opportunity)

Two-toe: Sir?
Me: Yes, please.

Two-toe: Yes, sir?
Me: A regular - medium sized gourmet pizza with chicken and onions please.

Two-toe: Alright. Would you want to try our buffalo wings or the side salad ?
Me: No.

Two-toe: Would you want something to drink sir?
Me: No !!

Two-toe:How would you want to pay sir?
Me: NO !!

Two-toe: I am sorry sir?
Me: Er... Ahem...C...C...Cash.

Two-toe: Alright sir. Can I have your phone number with your area code first sir?
Me: Beep Beep Beep.... Beep Beep Beep.. Beep Beep Beep.

Two-toe:Alright sir, we have you in our system. We will deliver it at... Blah Blah (My address). You order will be ready in 45 minutes.
Me: Thank you. Thank you very much. (At this point, I could not help but notice a striking resemblance between a mendicant and me)

Two-toe: You are most welcome. Also, our Party Packs are great for any kind of gathering with friends at the office, at home, at sporting events or in our own banquet room.. If you would wish...
Me: Nooossss.....( and bang..... the call disconnected...and the nightmare ended..)

My roommate: Hey, what happened? You look worn out?
Me: Er.... it is over man.. it is finally over.. I did it and I will live to see another day.

My roommate: (Puzzled over my reaction... but dismissing any assumptions that came to his mind) So what did you order?
Me: Dude, I have no freaking clue..

( *This, by no means, means to defame the fairer sex. For all that I hold near and dear in this world, it could have well been a man, and my reactions would not have been a cent different. )