_____________________Uno_______________________
A phone rings at the desk of the editor of L-TOI ( Abbreviated for Lousy Times of India - and yeah the pun is intended)
Kungpao reporter: "Saar, Mr Murthy said embarrased and anthem in the same sentence!"
Editor Saar:
"Eda? Holda-Phone.
Eda... Po-da.. Go quietly and tell amma to get me some idiyyappam (Chiding his 4 year old kid who is furiously pulling at his lungi)
Ok. What were ya saying man? Dont mind the noise ok? Children you see.. heh heh."
Kungpao reporter: "Saar, Murthy no, at Mysore saar, in front of president saar, says anthem embarrasing"
Editor Saar: "What anthem da?"
Kungpao reporter: "Saar, that Mana Dhana Dhana saar"
Editor Saar: "Oh, Dhana Dhana Mana"
Kungpao reporter: "No, Mana Dhana Dhana"
Editor Saar: "What! (His 10 year old Muthu reminds him that it is Jana Gana Mana) Oh!
Good Boy!
(Turning to Kungpao) You idiot! It is Jana Gana Mana.. you fool! Be awake while you are out on the field - take notes. My fourth youngest kid knew it.. Good smart boy No? After all whose boy is he? Heh Heh!
Kungpao reporter: "Sorry saar. Mishtake."
Editor Saar: "No problem da. Small mistake. You are a good reporter! Always brining hot fresh news. Yes, print on the first page - Deport Narayan Murthy!"
_____________________Dos_______________________
A random search on google news for the word "Murthy" + "Anthem" returns about 80 news records and takes about 0.05 seconds.
Some of the headlines read:
"Narayana Murthy's Remark on Anthem Rocks Assembly"
"Narayana Murthy as Prez would be a shame"
"Deport Narayan Murthy"
_____________________Tres_______________________
Hmm.. "Deport" . Something rings a bell. Yeah! Deport.
Over his 25 years at the helm of Infosys, he has deported so many Indians - not in dozens, but in tens of thousands. He has deported them from their cozy homes, where they could laze around all day watching Star TV and the lousy men in blue - only to see them win against weak teams like Bangladesh. Wait! Bangladesh?... Ooops.. Kenya!... Oh! sorry.. Ireland!
He has deported them from their hometown to the glamorous IT city of Bangalore and what has he given them? A good, high-paying job where people can call themselves "Experts", "Professionals" and the likes, while they could have rested on their asses at home while their hardworking parents slogged for the bread and butter.
Man, that was life!. Yeah, Deport that Bastard!
But where? US? UK? Pakistan? Congo? Nah.. the quality of life is better there! Damn, the dude will have a ball out there. Lets deport him some place, where intellect and common sense goes for a toss - someplace, where people cant make out the difference between their earholes and their arseholes - The Houses of Parliament. Yeah, that will be sweet justice. He has troubled so many, has created so many jobs, is considered the face of the Indian outsourcing success story, is on the board of innumerable institutions and companies and what has he gone and done?
He uttered the following words - "We had arranged for five people to sing the anthem. But then we cancelled it as we have foreigners on board here. They should not be embarrassed while we sing the anthem.’’
Wait, Did he say embarrass the foreigners? Hmm.. I guess it makes sense. Any foreigner might be embarrassed standing like a fool admist thousands of Indians singing the anthem with their heads held high! Hmm.. makes sense.. But what the heck, We MUST deport him as that is what we do in India. Foster idiots and pamper stupid politicians but massacre honest, sincere and devoted citizens like Murthy. Yeah, he has no right to be an Indian - He is just too good.
I say why stop at that. Lets "Hang him!". Yeah, lets hang that sonofabitch. After all Murthy has desecrated our National Anthem! An anthem, which infact was is a paean in praise of "the overlord of India's destiny" - George the Fifth! - An anthem that was chosen without giving a second thought. But, we must hang him whatever the case.
Lets see what it takes for a nation of over a billion hypocritic idiots and an equally biased media to WAKE UP!
~Dead Pep
Friday, April 13, 2007
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Investment on Return.
On a hot Saturday afternoon, an acquaintance of mine bought a Venti Cafe Americano at a Starbucks. He shelled out 5 bucks for the "refreshing" drink, took one sip and made a face as if he just smelt my armpits.
I cringed. He squawked. We cribbed.
As we grouched about how the billion dollar enterprise was looting us by charging a fortune for their disgusting beverages, we contemplated suing for consumer rights and demanding a full refund. While we took a most solemn vow not to ever drink at a Starbucks again, I noticed that the dude had sipped down the entire coffee with a satisfactory burp.
I gazed. He grinned. We howled with laughter.
We Indians are taught a life of frugality - taught that it is a measure of shrewdness - the one who is more frugal is smarter. I am sure now.
If the dude were to ever contemplate suicide and purchase a costly - more effective and efficacious cyanide, I am sure the thought of gulping the whole bottle down would cross his mind. Why? Coz he paid for it, dammit! The sheer determination to get his money's worth, would keep him going till the last sip. In the effort he might be the one who has survived the longest after tasting the poison. So, we might finally know what cyanide tastes like!
Aloha, all the medicos. Please reach out to ponnuswamy.veramuthomani.mudaliyar@pongalia.com and I assure you that you can try all your experiments on him and then some ;)
Ponnu,
If you are reading this, in the interests of scientific progress, I am sure you would oblige. Psst, I keep half the money if you sell your only functional kidney.
I cringed. He squawked. We cribbed.
As we grouched about how the billion dollar enterprise was looting us by charging a fortune for their disgusting beverages, we contemplated suing for consumer rights and demanding a full refund. While we took a most solemn vow not to ever drink at a Starbucks again, I noticed that the dude had sipped down the entire coffee with a satisfactory burp.
I gazed. He grinned. We howled with laughter.
We Indians are taught a life of frugality - taught that it is a measure of shrewdness - the one who is more frugal is smarter. I am sure now.
If the dude were to ever contemplate suicide and purchase a costly - more effective and efficacious cyanide, I am sure the thought of gulping the whole bottle down would cross his mind. Why? Coz he paid for it, dammit! The sheer determination to get his money's worth, would keep him going till the last sip. In the effort he might be the one who has survived the longest after tasting the poison. So, we might finally know what cyanide tastes like!
Aloha, all the medicos. Please reach out to ponnuswamy.veramuthomani.mudaliyar@pongalia.com and I assure you that you can try all your experiments on him and then some ;)
Ponnu,
If you are reading this, in the interests of scientific progress, I am sure you would oblige. Psst, I keep half the money if you sell your only functional kidney.
Monday, February 12, 2007
(Another) Independence Day
Independent India will be 60 years old this year.... As a child, I used to watch the tricolor unfurl on a bright August morning. People hugged, shook hands, wished each other and walked back home - to a hot piping cup of tea and snacks. They watched TV, read the newspapers - blamed the media for printing "masala", quarreled with their wives, chided their children and lazed around on the only holiday in August.
It was routine. It was normal. I was innocent.
Today I am a grown up. I am no longer impeccant. I am responsible or atleast held so. Today it is strange. I tread the forlorn streets in a foreign land through the arcade of shops in the middle of the night and wonder. I was born free unlike the very few who live to tell the tales of struggle, colonialism and exploitation.
I brood.
Would I live up to the expectations of society, family and more importantly my own? Can I survive this crest and the inevitable troughs in the offing? Would I take the country forward in whatever small way I can? The answer is a resounding - I DONT KNOW. Unfortunately yes, I dont know.
I resort to singing "Jana Gana Mana" and living a day at a time.
~ Dead Pep
For the "Other" Indepence Day, read Independence Day
It was routine. It was normal. I was innocent.
Today I am a grown up. I am no longer impeccant. I am responsible or atleast held so. Today it is strange. I tread the forlorn streets in a foreign land through the arcade of shops in the middle of the night and wonder. I was born free unlike the very few who live to tell the tales of struggle, colonialism and exploitation.
I brood.
Would I live up to the expectations of society, family and more importantly my own? Can I survive this crest and the inevitable troughs in the offing? Would I take the country forward in whatever small way I can? The answer is a resounding - I DONT KNOW. Unfortunately yes, I dont know.
I resort to singing "Jana Gana Mana" and living a day at a time.
~ Dead Pep
For the "Other" Indepence Day, read Independence Day
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Birds of the same feather........
My mom once told me "When a household quarrel reaches the outside world, it (the world) just watches and mocks". It sounded like a fortune cookie, but it did make some sense in a way I could not comprehend then. Today I do.
I was on an unusual trip this weekend, the details of which I shall conceal for reasons not even known to me. Lets say there was a discussion, some italian food, Buca di Beppo and quite a few mortals with various concentrations of melanin. What I will share though, is a series of simple conversations that left me imploding and introspecting.
....................
................
..........
Me: Are you on an H1?
The Shitty-zen: Nah, Emma Citizen.
...................
............
.....
Me: So have you visited India recently.
The Shitty-zen: Nah, I don have the time man.I dont see any need to.
Me: (Good riddance )So how long have you been here (in the US)
The Shitty-zen: Since 6 years!(with almost an exult)
Me: Hmm...(What a joker)
.................
............
......
The Homegrown: I 'ave ne'er been ta India. Is 'ear tis very polluted.
The question was posed at me but still the shitty-zen felt an irrestible and uncontrollable itch that he had to scratch....
The Shitty-zen: Yeah Maan! You have no idea. I was there like a few years back and like I was riding like on the bike like; and by the way - there are so many bikes which are like these small pocket size motorcycles, which the Indians use for like everything.
...at this point, the shitty-zen forgets what he was talking....
So, what was I saying?
The Homegrown: Abat India n its pollution.
Me: Ahem!
The Shitty-zen:Oh,Yeah, I was saying that it was so crowded and polluted that after a 20 mile ride I almost had to take a bath for 30 minutes to wash that dirt off my face. This guy over here is from there (pointing at me). He will be able to tell you better.
Me: (Fuming and restraining my right hand with my left one so that I dont "accidentaly" punch the shitty-zen) There are 250 million vehicles in the US and 60 million in India. A quarter of the worlds greenhouse gases are generated here. You take a guess what is more polluted. I dont think it needs complex mathematics to figure that out.
Shitty seemed constipated and Homegrown's eyeballs were yo-yoing between my and shitty's face. The discussion continued with one awkward pause after another. Time and again slanderous remarks were made and I had to sum it all up with facts and figures. Then I recalled what my mom had said and shut my mouth wondering whether the homegrown saw us both as Indians or as Lunatics.
I was sure of one thing though, no matter how much Shitty claimed to be Shitty, the color of his skin told the story. He could have anglcized his name, circumcized his thing, put up a gay-ish accent but he was still what he was born - an Indian first then the rest. Shitty tried to, as thousand others do, to be a Roman when in Rome. I agree that it is tough to be an Indian and even tougher to stand apart when there are a billion competing with or against you. But what I do know is that you dont need to desecrate India to carve a niche for yourself. Hypocrisy was at its paramount heights this day and I was torn between protecting my motherland from being maligned and at the same time letting an internal fight get out.
The next day, I decided to observe Shitty a bit. There were many desis around flocking together, sharing their wise cracks and so did the homegrowns. But Shitty was different. He was the conspicuous abberation among the homegrowns - evident by his pathetic accent and his absolute lack of common sense. He tried to mingle but hey failed to acknowledge him. He tried to talk but nothing made sense. Homegrowns contined in their own pattern, discussing things from the superbowl to Condolezza Fried Rice. Shitty failed to comply and sucked on a Gatorade like a leech. It was a pathetic sight and for any mortal with any self-respect it could be embarassing enough to jump off a cliff without a suicide note.
All I could hear was that random mention of "Indians","Crowd","America","Beautiful" and I was left bitter to the core. I decided to let Shitty alone in his misery before he took me down too.
If the rest of the world believes that "Birds of the same feather flock together" it may be true for all other birds. Indian birds of the same feather.. shit on each other.
I was on an unusual trip this weekend, the details of which I shall conceal for reasons not even known to me. Lets say there was a discussion, some italian food, Buca di Beppo and quite a few mortals with various concentrations of melanin. What I will share though, is a series of simple conversations that left me imploding and introspecting.
....................
................
..........
Me: Are you on an H1?
The Shitty-zen: Nah, Emma Citizen.
...................
............
.....
Me: So have you visited India recently.
The Shitty-zen: Nah, I don have the time man.I dont see any need to.
Me: (Good riddance )So how long have you been here (in the US)
The Shitty-zen: Since 6 years!(with almost an exult)
Me: Hmm...(What a joker)
.................
............
......
The Homegrown: I 'ave ne'er been ta India. Is 'ear tis very polluted.
The question was posed at me but still the shitty-zen felt an irrestible and uncontrollable itch that he had to scratch....
The Shitty-zen: Yeah Maan! You have no idea. I was there like a few years back and like I was riding like on the bike like; and by the way - there are so many bikes which are like these small pocket size motorcycles, which the Indians use for like everything.
...at this point, the shitty-zen forgets what he was talking....
So, what was I saying?
The Homegrown: Abat India n its pollution.
Me: Ahem!
The Shitty-zen:Oh,Yeah, I was saying that it was so crowded and polluted that after a 20 mile ride I almost had to take a bath for 30 minutes to wash that dirt off my face. This guy over here is from there (pointing at me). He will be able to tell you better.
Me: (Fuming and restraining my right hand with my left one so that I dont "accidentaly" punch the shitty-zen) There are 250 million vehicles in the US and 60 million in India. A quarter of the worlds greenhouse gases are generated here. You take a guess what is more polluted. I dont think it needs complex mathematics to figure that out.
Shitty seemed constipated and Homegrown's eyeballs were yo-yoing between my and shitty's face. The discussion continued with one awkward pause after another. Time and again slanderous remarks were made and I had to sum it all up with facts and figures. Then I recalled what my mom had said and shut my mouth wondering whether the homegrown saw us both as Indians or as Lunatics.
I was sure of one thing though, no matter how much Shitty claimed to be Shitty, the color of his skin told the story. He could have anglcized his name, circumcized his thing, put up a gay-ish accent but he was still what he was born - an Indian first then the rest. Shitty tried to, as thousand others do, to be a Roman when in Rome. I agree that it is tough to be an Indian and even tougher to stand apart when there are a billion competing with or against you. But what I do know is that you dont need to desecrate India to carve a niche for yourself. Hypocrisy was at its paramount heights this day and I was torn between protecting my motherland from being maligned and at the same time letting an internal fight get out.
The next day, I decided to observe Shitty a bit. There were many desis around flocking together, sharing their wise cracks and so did the homegrowns. But Shitty was different. He was the conspicuous abberation among the homegrowns - evident by his pathetic accent and his absolute lack of common sense. He tried to mingle but hey failed to acknowledge him. He tried to talk but nothing made sense. Homegrowns contined in their own pattern, discussing things from the superbowl to Condolezza Fried Rice. Shitty failed to comply and sucked on a Gatorade like a leech. It was a pathetic sight and for any mortal with any self-respect it could be embarassing enough to jump off a cliff without a suicide note.
All I could hear was that random mention of "Indians","Crowd","America","Beautiful" and I was left bitter to the core. I decided to let Shitty alone in his misery before he took me down too.
If the rest of the world believes that "Birds of the same feather flock together" it may be true for all other birds. Indian birds of the same feather.. shit on each other.
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