Dead Pep

Hang that Ba$tard!

2007-04-13T20:32:00.000-07:00

_____________________Uno_______________________

A phone rings at the desk of the editor of L-TOI ( Abbreviated for Lousy Times of India - and yeah the pun is intended)

Kungpao reporter: "Saar, Mr Murthy said embarrased and anthem in the same sentence!"

Editor Saar:

"Eda? Holda-Phone.

Eda... Po-da.. Go quietly and tell amma to get me some idiyyappam (Chiding his 4 year old kid who is furiously pulling at his lungi)

Ok. What were ya saying man? Dont mind the noise ok? Children you see.. heh heh."

Kungpao reporter: "Saar, Murthy no, at Mysore saar, in front of president saar, says anthem embarrasing"

Editor Saar: "What anthem da?"

Kungpao reporter: "Saar, that Mana Dhana Dhana saar"

Editor Saar: "Oh, Dhana Dhana Mana"

Kungpao reporter: "No, Mana Dhana Dhana"

Editor Saar: "What! (His 10 year old Muthu reminds him that it is Jana Gana Mana) Oh!
Good Boy!

(Turning to Kungpao) You idiot! It is Jana Gana Mana.. you fool! Be awake while you are out on the field - take notes. My fourth youngest kid knew it.. Good smart boy No? After all whose boy is he? Heh Heh!

Kungpao reporter: "Sorry saar. Mishtake."

Editor Saar: "No problem da. Small mistake. You are a good reporter! Always brining hot fresh news. Yes, print on the first page - Deport Narayan Murthy!"

_____________________Dos_______________________

A random search on google news for the word "Murthy" + "Anthem" returns about 80 news records and takes about 0.05 seconds.

Some of the headlines read:
"Narayana Murthy's Remark on Anthem Rocks Assembly"
"Narayana Murthy as Prez would be a shame"
"Deport Narayan Murthy"

_____________________Tres_______________________

Hmm.. "Deport" . Something rings a bell. Yeah! Deport.

Over his 25 years at the helm of Infosys, he has deported so many Indians - not in dozens, but in tens of thousands. He has deported them from their cozy homes, where they could laze around all day watching Star TV and the lousy men in blue - only to see them win against weak teams like Bangladesh. Wait! Bangladesh?... Ooops.. Kenya!... Oh! sorry.. Ireland!

He has deported them from their hometown to the glamorous IT city of Bangalore and what has he given them? A good, high-paying job where people can call themselves "Experts", "Professionals" and the likes, while they could have rested on their asses at home while their hardworking parents slogged for the bread and butter.

Man, that was life!. Yeah, Deport that Bastard!

But where? US? UK? Pakistan? Congo? Nah.. the quality of life is better there! Damn, the dude will have a ball out there. Lets deport him some place, where intellect and common sense goes for a toss - someplace, where people cant make out the difference between their earholes and their arseholes - The Houses of Parliament. Yeah, that will be sweet justice. He has troubled so many, has created so many jobs, is considered the face of the Indian outsourcing success story, is on the board of innumerable institutions and companies and what has he gone and done?

He uttered the following words - "We had arranged for five people to sing the anthem. But then we cancelled it as we have foreigners on board here. They should not be embarrassed while we sing the anthem.’’

Wait, Did he say embarrass the foreigners? Hmm.. I guess it makes sense. Any foreigner might be embarrassed standing like a fool admist thousands of Indians singing the anthem with their heads held high! Hmm.. makes sense.. But what the heck, We MUST deport him as that is what we do in India. Foster idiots and pamper stupid politicians but massacre honest, sincere and devoted citizens like Murthy. Yeah, he has no right to be an Indian - He is just too good.

I say why stop at that. Lets "Hang him!". Yeah, lets hang that sonofabitch. After all Murthy has desecrated our National Anthem! An anthem, which infact was is a paean in praise of "the overlord of India's destiny" - George the Fifth! - An anthem that was chosen without giving a second thought. But, we must hang him whatever the case.

Lets see what it takes for a nation of over a billion hypocritic idiots and an equally biased media to WAKE UP!

~Dead Pep

Investment on Return.

2007-03-14T11:51:00.000-07:00

On a hot Saturday afternoon, an acquaintance of mine bought a Venti Cafe Americano at a Starbucks. He shelled out 5 bucks for the "refreshing" drink, took one sip and made a face as if he just smelt my armpits.

I cringed. He squawked. We cribbed.

As we grouched about how the billion dollar enterprise was looting us by charging a fortune for their disgusting beverages, we contemplated suing for consumer rights and demanding a full refund. While we took a most solemn vow not to ever drink at a Starbucks again, I noticed that the dude had sipped down the entire coffee with a satisfactory burp.

I gazed. He grinned. We howled with laughter.

We Indians are taught a life of frugality - taught that it is a measure of shrewdness - the one who is more frugal is smarter. I am sure now.

If the dude were to ever contemplate suicide and purchase a costly - more effective and efficacious cyanide, I am sure the thought of gulping the whole bottle down would cross his mind. Why? Coz he paid for it, dammit! The sheer determination to get his money's worth, would keep him going till the last sip. In the effort he might be the one who has survived the longest after tasting the poison. So, we might finally know what cyanide tastes like!

Aloha, all the medicos. Please reach out to ponnuswamy.veramuthomani.mudaliyar@pongalia.com and I assure you that you can try all your experiments on him and then some ;)

Ponnu,
If you are reading this, in the interests of scientific progress, I am sure you would oblige. Psst, I keep half the money if you sell your only functional kidney.

(Another) Independence Day

2007-02-12T13:25:00.000-08:00

Independent India will be 60 years old this year.... As a child, I used to watch the tricolor unfurl on a bright August morning. People hugged, shook hands, wished each other and walked back home - to a hot piping cup of tea and snacks. They watched TV, read the newspapers - blamed the media for printing "masala", quarreled with their wives, chided their children and lazed around on the only holiday in August.

It was routine. It was normal. I was innocent.

Today I am a grown up. I am no longer impeccant. I am responsible or atleast held so. Today it is strange. I tread the forlorn streets in a foreign land through the arcade of shops in the middle of the night and wonder. I was born free unlike the very few who live to tell the tales of struggle, colonialism and exploitation.

I brood.

Would I live up to the expectations of society, family and more importantly my own? Can I survive this crest and the inevitable troughs in the offing? Would I take the country forward in whatever small way I can? The answer is a resounding - I DONT KNOW. Unfortunately yes, I dont know.

I resort to singing "Jana Gana Mana" and living a day at a time.

~ Dead Pep

For the "Other" Indepence Day, read Independence Day

Birds of the same feather........

2007-02-06T11:29:00.000-08:00

My mom once told me "When a household quarrel reaches the outside world, it (the world) just watches and mocks". It sounded like a fortune cookie, but it did make some sense in a way I could not comprehend then. Today I do.

I was on an unusual trip this weekend, the details of which I shall conceal for reasons not even known to me. Lets say there was a discussion, some italian food, Buca di Beppo and quite a few mortals with various concentrations of melanin. What I will share though, is a series of simple conversations that left me imploding and introspecting.

....................
................
..........
Me: Are you on an H1?

The Shitty-zen: Nah, Emma Citizen.
...................
............
.....
Me: So have you visited India recently.

The Shitty-zen: Nah, I don have the time man.I dont see any need to.

Me: (Good riddance )So how long have you been here (in the US)

The Shitty-zen: Since 6 years!(with almost an exult)

Me: Hmm...(What a joker)
.................
............
......
The Homegrown: I 'ave ne'er been ta India. Is 'ear tis very polluted.

The question was posed at me but still the shitty-zen felt an irrestible and uncontrollable itch that he had to scratch....

The Shitty-zen: Yeah Maan! You have no idea. I was there like a few years back and like I was riding like on the bike like; and by the way - there are so many bikes which are like these small pocket size motorcycles, which the Indians use for like everything.

...at this point, the shitty-zen forgets what he was talking....

So, what was I saying?
The Homegrown: Abat India n its pollution.

Me: Ahem!

The Shitty-zen:Oh,Yeah, I was saying that it was so crowded and polluted that after a 20 mile ride I almost had to take a bath for 30 minutes to wash that dirt off my face. This guy over here is from there (pointing at me). He will be able to tell you better.

Me: (Fuming and restraining my right hand with my left one so that I dont "accidentaly" punch the shitty-zen) There are 250 million vehicles in the US and 60 million in India. A quarter of the worlds greenhouse gases are generated here. You take a guess what is more polluted. I dont think it needs complex mathematics to figure that out.

Shitty seemed constipated and Homegrown's eyeballs were yo-yoing between my and shitty's face. The discussion continued with one awkward pause after another. Time and again slanderous remarks were made and I had to sum it all up with facts and figures. Then I recalled what my mom had said and shut my mouth wondering whether the homegrown saw us both as Indians or as Lunatics.

I was sure of one thing though, no matter how much Shitty claimed to be Shitty, the color of his skin told the story. He could have anglcized his name, circumcized his thing, put up a gay-ish accent but he was still what he was born - an Indian first then the rest. Shitty tried to, as thousand others do, to be a Roman when in Rome. I agree that it is tough to be an Indian and even tougher to stand apart when there are a billion competing with or against you. But what I do know is that you dont need to desecrate India to carve a niche for yourself. Hypocrisy was at its paramount heights this day and I was torn between protecting my motherland from being maligned and at the same time letting an internal fight get out.

The next day, I decided to observe Shitty a bit. There were many desis around flocking together, sharing their wise cracks and so did the homegrowns. But Shitty was different. He was the conspicuous abberation among the homegrowns - evident by his pathetic accent and his absolute lack of common sense. He tried to mingle but hey failed to acknowledge him. He tried to talk but nothing made sense. Homegrowns contined in their own pattern, discussing things from the superbowl to Condolezza Fried Rice. Shitty failed to comply and sucked on a Gatorade like a leech. It was a pathetic sight and for any mortal with any self-respect it could be embarassing enough to jump off a cliff without a suicide note.

All I could hear was that random mention of "Indians","Crowd","America","Beautiful" and I was left bitter to the core. I decided to let Shitty alone in his misery before he took me down too.

If the rest of the world believes that "Birds of the same feather flock together" it may be true for all other birds. Indian birds of the same feather.. shit on each other.

Caste-rated

2006-04-18T12:10:00.000-07:00

Politicians have acquired the uncanny ability to hit where it hurts. Punches and jabs below the belt are the norm. When Mr. Arjun Singh proclaimed to grant an almost 50 percent reservations in the IIMs, IITs and the other premier institutions, there were definitely a few gasps and boos in the crowd. But I stuck on to him and gave him some credit.. ( the italian ass-licker that he is).. and analyzed the situation from a different angle.. (ofcourse, even well fed dobermans are not this loyal nowadays)

Which numbskull would treat reservation as someones birth-right.. and a man of Arjun Singh's genious ?.... Nah. Something was out of place..It just did not make sense. I got thinking. For about 5 hours, nothing occured to me... and after a few shots of Seinfeld, Southpark and Jose Cuervo..I fell asleep with the booze in my hand.. and the lappy on my face. Just then, like a bolt of ligthning, it struck me. ...

HENPECKING!... .. yes, yes, HENPECKING!!...I analyzed this for a while... and voila, it made sense... and the various pieces of the puzzle suddenly started falling in place...

Let me tell you how it must have gone..

The previous night, when Arjun (lets shed the last name for a while.. as it is too much to type;) came home... Madam (ofcourse, that is what he must be calling his better half) was waiting at the doorstep with a broom-stick. With the saari tightly tucked at her waist, and the lips glossed all over with her favourite "masala paan", she gazed with red eyes on her poor ol hubby. Our dear Arjun was caught unawares.. and before he could take any evasive action... BAM!... the broom landed twice.. once on his head.. and the next on his crotch.. Poor Arjun was breathless and could not comprehend this, well, not-so-unexpected turn of events...

[
This is how it had been for the past 35 years... Whenever he forgot to milk the cow in the morning.. or fetch the newspaper... he got a "jhaadu-ki-jhappi" in the evening... but today it was more serious.. crotchi-fication...
This had never happened before... never.
Arjun's brain started to immediately calculate the probable causes...

Clean the toilet - DONE
Mop the Floor - DONE
Make dung-cakes in the stable - DONE
Vegetable Shopping - F@#$ing Shit!!

Arjun knew that Madam loved to eat. (How else would anyone gain 250 pounds 10 years!) What he had done was unpardonable.. and he quietly succumbed to what his nemesis had in store for him.
]

Madam said
"Kyon budhau? Sabjzee bhool gaye tum".. "Fokat ka khane ki aadat padh gayi hai tumko".. "Aaj se tumhara raashan paani band".. "Kal yaad se jo kaha tha lete aana..... nahin to......."

And then...madam went to bed making sure that the door bangs right into Arjun's face... and poor ol Arjun slept on the verandah .. ( as he had done the previous night.. and the previous.. and the previous.. and ... well what the heck...now he had started liking the smell of the sand outside)

The next day.. he got up.. did all his chores and made a mental note to get the job done today...The pressure was too much to handle that day. Last night was a narrow escape from permanent celibacy by forced castration. All sorts of numbers started floating in his head... Tomatoes - 4.95 Rs per kg... Onions.. 10 Rs per kg..... In the middle of this number crunching, he blurted out......"There will be 49.5 percent caste based reservation in these institutes going forward"...

Obviously, there was only one thought on in his mind -

"What did madam ask me to get from the sabzi-mandi?"
"Was it 10 kg baingan or 10 kg tomatoes?"
"Darn, I am going to loose my lungi tonight ( ofcourse wiping the floor)"

Amid these thoughts, he must have blurted out 49.5 instead of 22 odd percent.

Now, this leads one onto another train of thought. Why exactly 49.5? why not 100 or 75 or 0 for that matter?

After some furious head-n-butt scrathing, I had to revert to the eGods for the answer - Google and Wikipedia. After some serious ePrayers, i stumbled upon the answer - BANANAS !!.

49.5 was the price of 10 dozen bananas that day.

...and hell yeah.... THE PEP is back !!

Euphemising the F word.

2006-03-16T14:50:00.002-08:00

All humans hurl invectives. Some do it covertly and the rest otherwise. The socially elite gripe that this erodes the fabric that binds us together. It is considered to be an antisocial trait - a blemish on ones character. One is branded, tabooed and shun because of his "gandi zabaan".

Subtelty is elusive in the vernacular of the common man. After all, being subtle requires a thought-process, a need to euphemise, a skill which not many are bestowed with. When the blood starts burning, the eyes turn fiery, we clench our fists and we grind our teeth there is not much scope for a smart-ass well-thought-out comeback, Is there? The only thought that possesses the mind is to how to get even one way or the other.

What is the point if the other does not get the hint - hidden as an easter egg - in the sarcastic comeback? One might come up with the perfect punchline but what if the other does not have a clue? Would it not irritate more to see the resurgence lost in vain? Doesnt it please the mind as well as the sadistic instints when one can see the same anger and irritation overpowering the aggressor? Like hell, it does.

Why sacrifice the F word on the guillotine of society when you can use it and set your rage free....Give me one F'ing reason.

~Dead Pep

Blogito Ergo Sum.

2006-03-02T21:30:00.000-08:00

The blogging phenomenon is taking over the world. Here amateurs and professionals are treated alike with a freedom to voice their opinions like never before. Here, you can belch, you can fart or you can speak your heart out. You can let your imagination run wild and your thoughts go crazy. Never before did individuals get so much liberty in expressing their viewpoints.

Each blog is a peep hole into the identity of an individual - his different moods - his likes - his dislikes - his musings and his opinions. Each page gives an opening, however small, into the individual's identity - into his true self. That is why you would see so many anonymous or encryped names. Not many care to reveal themselves and in a way this allows them to say what they really feel - deep inside.

Nothing misses our eyes nor are we fearful of anything. We are an army and a real good one at that. Though we dont fight with arms and ammunition we keep things in check be it the media, the corporations or the governments. We dont succumb, we are intrepid, we are resolute and we never back down. We are the voice of the nation and nothing can stop us. We have arrived !

We blog, therefore we ARE.

The pizzeria interview.

2006-02-24T22:37:00.000-08:00

Today is the era of interviews over the phone. The days when these were mano-a-mano are long gone and over with. Hungry, if you are, would you then, wanna schedule one with these pizza corporations.

This is an attempt to adumbrate one of the most gruelling ones, that I have had in the recent past. Paralyzed by pangs of hunger, on the verge of a collapse did I muster to reach the phone and it there it began.. what can be called a tirade of sorts.

Me: He...llo
The Woman* On The Other End ( called TWO-TOE henceforth, for reasons obvious): Hi, thank you for calling pizza magnifico (the real identity has been concealed for fears of being sued for defamation, however, for the uninquisitive or the technically-challenged this would not matter anyways). This is two-toe. How may I serve you today?

Me: Hel...lo...

Two-toe: Hi, would you want to go through our specials today?
Me: Er..

Two-toe: We have the italian delight king-size special with two toppings and a two litre soda all for 19.99. The meat-lovers magnifico medium-size with buffalo wings for 14.99..
Me: (%$#%$#)

Two-toe: The small-size succulent pepperoni with one topping and a side salad for 9.99. What would you like to have sir?
This is when i could say my first complete word, so I decided to stay away from the seemingly-long salutation - Hello and stick to the contemporary Hi and follow it with a quick order.
Me:Hi, I would like to place an order for a medium size pizza. (This was said at a speed which could give the worlds-fastest-speaker a run for his money)

Two-toe: What kind of medium pizza would you want sir? We have the gourmet, the supreme meat-lovers , the all meat marvel...
At this point, my instincts told me, and rightly so, that another mini-menu was in the offing. So, I decided to cut (the crap) now..
Me: I will have the gourmet, PLEASE.

Two-toe: What kind of crust would you like sir?
Me: Regular.

Two-toe: We also have the pan, the skinny and the stuffed crust sir. Are you sure you want to go with the Regular. The stuffed crust contains quality cheddar cheese and comes at only an addition of 2.99
Me: (WTF.. She sounds like my highschool principal. Having no more energy to scowl, I barked..) "REGULAR"

Two-toe:Ok. A regular - medium sized gourmet pizza.
Me: (Almost in an exult.. ) Yes !!

By now, I knew the kind of satisfaction pet-owners get when their pets learn to pee on the tree outside the house and not on the couch... and just when I thought it was all over...

Two-toe:What kind of toppings would you like sir?
Me: SHIT!

Two-toe: Excuse me, sir?
Me: (Realizing that the voices in my mind were getting more and more vocal...but having no way to get out of this, I did what all men do best. I pretended as if nothing happened) Excuse me?

Two-toe: Ahem... What kind of toppings would you like sir?
Me: (Relieved that my rudimentary ploy worked..) What do you offer?

(At this moment, I felt, as if I have streaked out and have started running on the Autobahn head-on against oncoming traffic in a strait-jacket. Cursing myself for this moronish utterance and for having no hair on my head to pluck off, I said a silent prayer.I had thrown myself unarmed at the mercy of my arch-nemesis - two-toe. She was killing me.... slowly .. but yeah surely. Cringing, I waited for what my fate had to offer..)

Two-toe:We have mushrooms, tomatoes, chicken, olives, green pepers and onions.
Me:(Ah, that "and". That so very lovey "and". That "and" seemed to put an end to my misery and this torture seemed to be reaching an end. But, life is not that generous, is it?... It started then...)

Two-toe: Also, sir, we have the hickory sausages, shrimp and anchovies....
Me: (Arrrrgh... Not able to take it any more...) Chicken and onions.

Two-toe: Ok.A regular - medium sized gourmet pizza with chicken and onions. Is that all sir?
Me: (It was by now, that I had started sweating... and my hands trembled holding the phone and my left ear had gone red. I decided I had been pulling hard on the nigh side and decided to provide the right an equal opportunity)

Two-toe: Sir?
Me: Yes, please.

Two-toe: Yes, sir?
Me: A regular - medium sized gourmet pizza with chicken and onions please.

Two-toe: Alright. Would you want to try our buffalo wings or the side salad ?
Me: No.

Two-toe: Would you want something to drink sir?
Me: No !!

Two-toe:How would you want to pay sir?
Me: NO !!

Two-toe: I am sorry sir?
Me: Er... Ahem...C...C...Cash.

Two-toe: Alright sir. Can I have your phone number with your area code first sir?
Me: Beep Beep Beep.... Beep Beep Beep.. Beep Beep Beep.

Two-toe:Alright sir, we have you in our system. We will deliver it at... Blah Blah (My address). You order will be ready in 45 minutes.
Me: Thank you. Thank you very much. (At this point, I could not help but notice a striking resemblance between a mendicant and me)

Two-toe: You are most welcome. Also, our Party Packs are great for any kind of gathering with friends at the office, at home, at sporting events or in our own banquet room.. If you would wish...
Me: Nooossss.....( and bang..... the call disconnected...and the nightmare ended..)

My roommate: Hey, what happened? You look worn out?
Me: Er.... it is over man.. it is finally over.. I did it and I will live to see another day.

My roommate: (Puzzled over my reaction... but dismissing any assumptions that came to his mind) So what did you order?
Me: Dude, I have no freaking clue..

( *This, by no means, means to defame the fairer sex. For all that I hold near and dear in this world, it could have well been a man, and my reactions would not have been a cent different. )

Who's responsible for India's woes?

2006-02-22T14:17:00.000-08:00

* The views expressed below are not mine, and though I strongly and fervidly second them, it is not my style to embody articles in MY space. However, to every rule there is an exception and a mere mortal like me, trying to resist temptations, has to give in now - if not then. So, here I have, besmirching my own principles (and boy, my conscience is going to flagellate me for this), pilferaged this write-up into my own.
Nevertheless, before i reach the epitome of qualmishness, this is an excerpt from Rediff.com. So, as you are here, do read on*
**********************************************************************************
"These foreigners," said the irate, elderly Bangalorean, "they come here and spoil everything." Not since the days when Indira Gandhi, in Stalinesque fashion, routinely blamed the "foreign hand" for all the ills that beset India had I heard foreigners being reviled so comprehensively.

And like Mrs Gandhi, this doughty citizen of Bangalore was holding foreigners squarely culpable for the garden city's rapid descent into urban purgatory. Bangalore, he elaborated, was just fine till all these foreign investors came along with their demands for cost-effective IT solutions, putting unwarranted pressures on the city. Had Bangalore not become India's Silicon Valley, the city would have been as beautiful and pleasant as before.

It was an interesting comment in a week that saw the India story being so prominently showcased to the cream of the world's investing and opinion-shaping community at Davos. Juxtapose the global event with this local attitude and you get a pretty good idea of the ambivalence that prevails towards economic reform today.

True, economic liberalisation and growth, in which foreign investment has played a prominent role, has made India more visibly prosperous today. But it has also generated its share of new problems and insecurities.

Environmental degradation is one of them; the decline of India's cities is another. As inequalities grow, worsening law and order is a third.

In the absence of any notable public initiatives to stem the decline, multinationals with their mega-investments have proved a convenient alibi to explain all these ills.

Are they guilty as charged? My case is that they are as responsible or irresponsible as our governments allow them to be. So yes, they've crowded into cities like Bangalore, Hyderabad and Gurgaon, putting unprecedented demands on civic amenities.

Should they be held responsible when civic authorities show scant inclination to find appropriate responses to the issue? Would it not be more suitable for urban governments to look at ways of building on the trend they have set in putting India on the global investment map? Should they not look for ways to improve the quality of life to attract more investment like, say, Beijing and Shanghai?

Given that businesses exist to make profit, it is in the interests of their managements to maximise return on investment. Surely, it is the government's responsibility to ensure that such investments maximise the return on prosperity for its citizenry? In Orissa, where tribals are being deprived of adequate compensation for their land as they make way for the big projects, much opprobrium is being heaped on foreign and domestic companies alike for doing tribals out of their rightful due.

The question is: shouldn't the state governments be balancing the interests of its people with the demands of big business?

In Gurgaon, which probably has the highest concentration of foreign business presence per acre than any other city in India, basic amenities such as power, water, roads and public transport are conspicuous by their scarcity.

A world-class private sector exists in what is little better than a moffusil town in this city. Who should be blamed for this - foreign corporations for setting base there or the local authorities for abdicating their responsibilities?

If soft drinks contain contaminated water, as was alleged, is the government not as culpable for lax standards as the manufacturers themselves?

It is not as though public governance needs to become a casualty on the altar of economic liberalisation. The sharp reduction in pollution in the National Capital Region demonstrates how local government, pressured by civil society, can institute pollution norms that protect the health of its denizens without damaging the growth prospects of the automobile industry.

This, in fact, is one of the few areas in which India can actually advise the municipal authorities in Beijing and Shanghai, both of which are covered in a haze of pollution reminiscent of Delhi's pre-CNG days.

Unlike in the earlier years of reform, India is now a sought-after investment destination. With economic growth accelerating as the latest official statistics suggest and a weak civil society, governments not only need to be more vigilant about public welfare, they need to search for solutions that creatively balance the interests of the two.

For instance, no one will deny that it makes little sense to succumb to airport employees' threats against an urgently needed airport modernisation plan. Agreeing to absorb those employees that the private investors do not employ is hardly a durable solution. But in the absence of a public safety net as many other emerging economies are putting in place, the government has little room for manoeuvre. India's future does not lie in holding foreigners or businessmen responsible for its problems but at looking at ways of maximising their potential to the country's benefit.

Shun the bath.

2006-02-22T14:16:00.001-08:00

Bathing is an epidemic. It is a gradually evolving systemic anomaly in the genetic composition of human beings. It is all set to erode the very fabric that keeps us lords of our own wills. It is growing day by day and until we, as citizens of tomorrow, do something, it could spawn to be the achilles heel of mankind.

Why do we need to bathe ? Our ancestors never did. Nor do the millions of other species who inhabit the earth. Cockroaches - the most enduring species on this planet - who might continue to live way beyond our reign - never bathe. If we are to outlive others, we should stop this heinous act right away.

Having to bathe is an indication of weak will. Nothing happens to the body if it doesnt bathe. It is a shortcoming in the brain. In the end only the ones who are strong both mentally and physically will survive. (Darwins soul might be turning in his grave if he finds out what we have become). So it is very essential that bathing be avoided at all costs.

It is because of this mindset that we live with smaller apartments and houses. Had our minds not known about bathing - we would have done away with the bathroom, the bathtub, the huge water bills, the body soaps and the likes. Just imagine a world where no one had to bathe. All their hard earned money would not have gone down the drain (Literally). Everyone would flourish. There wont be rich and the poor. Just fellow humans.

We call ourselves different from animals because we have feelings and emotions. Each year thousands die because of droughts and thirst while we lay in our bathtubs. The very thought is repulsive. Come to think of it, lying in the bathtub is nothing by submersing oneself in his\her own filth.

I say, anyone caught or known to bathe should be convicted and drowned, for, it is these people who are setting a wrong precedent for fellow humans.

Independence Day

2006-02-22T14:16:00.000-08:00

Independent India will be 59 years old this year...in schools they told me that i was the citizen of tomorrow. I look around and see the faces of people.. men, women and children going about pursuing their daily regimens oblivious of what is to face them tomorrow and what it would mean then. They seem so worn, jaded and cynical. I wonder what purpose I am going to serve.

To my fellow citizens-of-the-future, Independence Day only meant early mornings in starched uniforms on school grounds relieved only by the comforting thought of no more classes. In the college, it was more realistic and practical. The chowkidar unfurled the flag while we snored with our mouths agape in the dorms.

I am in control.

2006-02-22T14:15:00.000-08:00

We are a hypocritic race. We know that given the chance and liberty we would go ahead and do the unthinkable. We might rob others, slit others throats, streak around in the open or maybe defecate all around. That is why we need governments, the police, the bureaucracy just to keep us sane and with limits of the minimum moral behaviour. We humans spend a lot of our hard earned money as taxes which are nothing but the fuel to run the governments in place. Besides, we spend even more money and time in electing these governing bodies time and time again. Do we accept all their proposals? Nah. We are more than often unhappy with their workings and so you would see a million public interest litigations slapped on their very own governing bodies. In short, we pay so that someone's is always there to spank us if our minds start doing the thing called "thinking" but at the same time we are not happy with their job. We want to be spanked more and harder.
God gave us the mind but it leads us astray. God have us the heart but it is involved in a constant turmoil with the brain. The most evolved creature to ever tread on Earth is just a piece of meat and bones who if left to his own wits, would go back on four legs faster than one can fathom. We are a confused entity. We have no purpose nor an identity. Still we like it when someone tells us that we are in control of our lives. The reality is that we dont even know what the word control means. Human beings are beyond their own control. They cannot resist the urges within their bodies and moreso in their minds. So, they have devised the philosophies of psychology and meditation inorder to give themselves a psuedo-satisfaction of being in charge. But the reality is that they are as much in control of their own emotions, feelings and desires as they are in control of the earths rotation or the expansion of the universe.

When Gods Loved Loudspeakers...

2005-08-26T16:14:00.000-07:00

The Gods of today are noise lovers.. more like a cult of Slayer or Megadeth. They love the deafening sounds which dozens multi-thousand watt speakers can jarr out.. Noise seems to be the sine qua non of any prayer or a festival nowadays.

Come the Ganesh festival and a whole fortnight of brain numbing noises, called devotional songs, penetrate the already polluted aura around you. Come Divali and you have unrestrained use of fireworks in public places. Come Holi and hooligans take to the streets with drums, trumpeting their way through each and every street, creating a mess wherever they go. As if the human race had not had enough, there is the usual howling each day in a mosque and the chants in temples.

Lets take the example of the Maharashtra govt. Earlier, it has passed a rule to ban the use of loud-speakers from 10 p.m to 6 a.m. in the morning. What it essentially meant was that between 6 a.m. to 10 p.m. you have no right to demand sanity and peace. If you are sick, unwell or trying to enjoy a peaceful moment while the festivities are going on.. let me welcome to the real world. You are not allowed that priviledge. Those 8 hours of peace were apparently the time when the Gods slept and if they were disturbed then, all hell could break lose.

The final nail in the coffin is just about to come for all peace lovers in Maharashtra when the goverment seeks to relax the "loud-speaker timings" (as they are called) during festivals. Even though this noise makes an ailing person die, the gods must be pleased. Though humanity suffers, spiritualism must prosper.

Waiting for the day when prayers go like this...

If I start to lose my mind, please pry it open...
If my face become sincere, beware..
If I start to come undone, stich me together...
If you see me strut.. remind me of.. what left this outlaw torn.
( The Outlaw Torn, Metallica )

~Dead Pep

To Err is Human.... To Blame, Politician.

2005-08-24T15:15:00.000-07:00

While Mumbai saw a deluge of rains... It looked like the Gods were hell-bent on sinking this piece of land under the seabed. There was water that could submerge humans which were 6 feet tall... the sewage lines choked.. trains, buses and all commute stalled.. and people were left stranded where they were... it appeared to be the end of the world. But it stopped and as it turns out it has been a bit more than a rude awakening since then...

As usual, the Indian junta started its howling, protesting and cribbing in the aftermath. The environmentalists, the media and the "mumbaikars" did not lose even a moment in blaming the governement for the catastrophe. People blamed the politicians for the very little interest in they showed the city other than making individual fortunes and siphoning off the revenues to their own constituencies.

And in the recent developments, the Mumbai Govt has banned the use of plastic bags in the State. Whats more, manufacturers and stores selling plastic bags will be fined Rs 5,000, while individuals using bags face penalties of Rs 1,000. This is just the icing on the cake... Guess what could be next... A ban on wrapping your stuff in a newspaper or using soap while bathing ? This is just the typical indian politics.. "When nothing else works, ban something". The irony of the fact is that, the environmentalists welcome this move. This ban if imposed would leave 1 lakh people unemployed overnight. So, it might take the entire mumbai population to be paying fines each day to make up for their salaries and payouts.

Does the govt have a plan for them ? You would hope they would.
Has the govt considered how much of corruption and malpractice it would lead to ? You would hope they have.
Have they considered what would be an alternate to the handy plastic bags which proud shoppers flaunt as they make their walk out of a shopping mall or a vegetable market ? One sure hopes so.
But if all hopes could turn to realities, there would be no misery in the world. Sigh.. Hopes are nothing but hopes and I just hope that this "optimism" pays off and I live to see Mumbai turning into a Singapore one day.

This reflects the terrible short-sightedness and the incapability that surrounds the indian political scenario. The last I had checked, India was a democracy where everyone had a right to everything that was within legal limits... where one could proudly pursue his ambitions and dreams. But, this plastic ban seeks to do just the opposite... it is just a tad lesser than stifling the people of the country of things they can use and things that they cannot. I fail to fathom, what would such a move achieve. Instead of empowering the people to make wise and knowledgeable decisions, instead of educating them on the pros and cons of using plastics these drastic moves are just another way of invoking an uproar.

A few alternatives that could have been taken...

a. Educate the public on the perils or using such things and the possible harm this can cause to the infrastrucuture and the environment. Create an awareness of using paper bags and recycling them. Cleanliness cannot be substituted by these foolish and rash rules. People are ready to listen and no one needs to teach Indians how to adopt. If they are convinced that it is for their betterment, they WILL listen and comply.

b. Impose strict rules on littering, squatting and loitering in the open rather than making people pay fines just for carrying around plastic bags. Ofcourse, we Indians never go down without a fight and hence heavy fines and\or imprisonments might have to be levied if these have to be followed. Guess why I have never seen a train stopped by pulling the chain by anyone just for amusement ?

c. Stop the morchas, the yaatras, the high profile visits of VIPs. They do nothing but disrupt the life of a normal citizen and arouse hatred. Instead, build on contingency and evacuation plans in case of such natural calamities.

It is upto the people to wake up from their slumber and realize the potential that their vote has. It is they who voted this government to power. It is they who have put these incompetent morons in those prestigious positions. What they fail to realize that , these politicians have made politics their profession and it is no more done for the benefits of the society. Instead, it is their livelihood and they can go to any limits to flourish from it.

~Dead Pep

From one citizen to another...

2005-08-12T15:37:00.000-07:00

This goes to anyone who definition of patriotism is one or many from these...

a. Watch cricket, shout at all the Pakistani players and applaud the Indians no matter how badly they suck.
b. Be an audience to all the Pakistan bashing Hindi movies and come out with a sense of pride and accomplishment.
c. Pay your taxes and feel that your job is done.
d. Disregard the Indian brand of goods and buy a Tommy Hilfiger, a Red Tape , a Lee Cooper with a feeling that India is really improving.

But brethren and otherwise, our duty just begins now.. A few startling facts should paint the picture clear...

a. If International standards were employed in gauging poverty, a humungous 390 million of our population is below the poverty line...that is almost 40 percent of the Indian population.

b. A mere 28 percent of the entire population of India has access to clean sanitation facilities.

c. Around 1 percent of the population of India is HIV infected. If this trend were to continue, then in a few years the largest concentration of HIV carriers in the world would be in India.

I know that we have been hearing that there has been a burgeoning and wealthy middle class that has been developing, the IT boom, the Telecom boom and the Auto boom and the huge remittances that NRIs have been flodding into India. But the truth of the matter is...

a. IT employs a bit more than 1 million people right now, which is less than 0.1 percent of the population.

b. The remittances are not public money and most of it is squandered away into buying real estate or something of the like rather than being spent or invested into capital markets. So even though India is the largest receiver of remittances from NRIs, amounting to around 17 billion, they are contributing very less towards the development.

c. India does not have a single auto testing facility comparable to the likes of Mira, UK or HMTRI, China. There are critical gaps in India’s auto infrastructure with no facilities for crash testing, wind tunnel tests etc. The one that is envisaged is supposed to be up by 2015. That is a decade down the line !!

d. The so-called IT boom is already under a lot of flux with increasing attrition and wages. Companies under a lot of pressure to retain their profits are constantly eyeing newer and cheaper markets like China. It wont be long when we will be saying "My job got Shanghaied".

Well, then the quintessential question arises....What can we do ? How can a single citizen help ? Here are a few tips... These are not elixirs and their efficacy is not tested but the fundamentals are strongly rooted and their success depends on how widely they are employed.

a. Be Indian, Buy Indian.
Avoid the glamour of the west. West is not the Best always... buy a Liberty footwear and you will know the difference. Avoid those Cokes, and Pepsis if you can. The money each Indian spends on Indian goods remains in India, and is routed back towards creating a more profitable industry and in the process everyone around it flourishes. This will not only empower the Indian companies to compete locally but one day they will be global players too.. competing with the Lee Coopers and Red Tapes in their own homeland.

b. Defy corruption.. Go for eGovernance.
Corruption is the biggest cause of concern for modern India. We are a part of the system and in many cases we might have to succumb to it unwillingly. The best way to get rid of it is to avoid it altogether. The Government of India and the World Bank are pouring millions of dollars towards eGovernance. What this means in simple terms is that most governmental tasks can be done on the internet. This will have a myriad of benefits. It will avoid long queues in offices, save time, save effort and can be easily accountable. Be in the knowhow of what can be done online and what cant be. For e.g Most RTO registrations, Travel registrations, Payemnt of water, electricity, sewage bills can be done online. Any buffoon would agree that paying online is simpler than standing in a queue for hours together. Whats more, this will help avoid any form of interaction with humans leading to avoiding corruption slowly but surely.

c. Raise Concerns and Grievances.
Raise your concerns, Give your suggestions. Be it a small pothole on the street across your house, a faulty cable hanging on the light pole or be a leaky drainage pipe. As long as you learn to live with it.. you will end up living so.

d. Oblivion is not bliss.
Know your rights, know your duties and know what is going around you. Even animals are curious creatures. Man, the most fantastic and supreme being on the planet, if devoid of curiosity will soon become an extinct species. Ask a receipt every time you buy stuff, park your vehicle or pay your rent. Use Credit\Debit Cards rather than cash. The biggest sin one can commit is being unaware of what is going on.

e. It is never about Religion.
Religion is supposed to set you free. The very instance a religion tries to tie you down, it loses its motive. As long as one is a firm believer in his faith, nothing can deter him from what he knows or what he believes. Stay aware from emotion arousing conflits, most of which can be politically fuelled. A fight over religion never helped anybody and it is the last thing India can afford. One must be magnanimous and forgiving. This is the most essential difference between humans and other creatures inhabiting the earth. Every man has the capacity to forgive and it does not take a saint to do so. Religion is for Man and not the other way around.

Ofcourse, these have to go hand in hand with others doing the same. But atleast there has to be a start. The light is buring and shining brightly for the masses. What's needed is to reach out towards it.

~Dead Pep

From Empathy to Antipathy....

2005-08-02T13:46:00.000-07:00

Generosity or philanthrophy is a highly misunderstood term. It is the notion of many that it simply means throwing alms in the a beggars bowl or donating money to a charity. Rarely do these novice philanthropists care what happens hence.

Well, say for instance, the cadger could go to a local toddy shop.. get drunk..and while staggering on his way to his hutment.. create a ruckus on the road.. causing a fatal accident and killing a few. Who was the cause ? The beggar, the preposterous traffic situation on most indian roads, the unassuming toddy seller or the "saint" who financed him ?

The soft hearted might be led to believe that everyone played its part, but, that is where it goes wrong. This situation demands the services of the analytical brain. Had the money not been donated.. the toddy would not have been consumed.. the senses still retained and mostly a few ill-fated souls would have lived on to meet their doom due to another similar act.

Well, the expert debaters could argue that - Someone else could have played the beggars part or The toddy seller would still be selling his stuff, the situation could have still occured. Amidst this profuse brainwork that is going on they fail to understand one simple fact or grasp the reality of it.... Atleast you would not have been the catalyst for this anticlimax.

I am asked by many of my colleagues, how can I be so cold hearted ? How can I not be beleaguered by the poverty surrounding me ? A complex answer is in the offing for this deceptively simple question...

"I know the difference between Empathy and Antipathy and anything between them"

For me a transition between these metaphorical states of human emotions happens like this

Empathetic---> Sympathetic --> Apathetic --> Antipathetic.

(Empathy - Somebody gets hurt and you feel the pain.
Sympathy - Somebody gets hurt and you feel bad about it.
Apathy - Somebody gets hurt and you are not affected.
Antipathy - Somebody gets hurt and you start dancing with joy.)

I know that I am not a messiah to feel the pang of others getting hurt, so I am not Empathetic. Nor am I so cold blooded to turn a deaf ear and a blind eye to the fickleness that life offers, so I am definitely not antipathetic. I do feel bad about bad things happening to people but it is the same me who doesnt give a tiddly-squat for some one who advertently or otherwise does things that harm others. For instance, I sympathize with the beggar who died on the road but I dont care a damn for the philanthrophist who could not think but two minutes in front of his nose.

With great generosity comes great responsibilties and you need not be a Peter Parker to do a good deed. A bit of common sense will do the job.

-Dead Pep

What I have been at..

2005-06-30T16:09:00.000-07:00

Hello All,

How are ya fellas ? I hope everyone is doing great.

I guess you are not here just by chance and hence let me not waste your time in the sweet-nothings, which I dont really mean. You might be having a bad day, in the worst of health, or maybe some of the worst times of your life. There is nothing I can do to bail you out.

BUT...

I can surely point you out to a few things that might help you wander away from the drudgery that life can land you in. Being a prolific net surfer, I have come across many articles, snippets, columns that have made me glance thru more than once. I dont claim that these are elixirs to your problems but each day when I get up , I do like what I see, especially in the mirror. Humour yourself each day, laugh at your follies and voila life turns out to be an all new-ball-game. Do check them out and you too can have a laugh or two.

30-June-05

01-July-05

http://satirewire.com/news/june02/fast_food.shtml

Humour and Satire have a thin-line between them. Humour comes at a cost. I am ready to bear it. ARE YOU ?

Enjoy !

PS: Will keep on adding more links for your benefit. Incase you happen to step on one that is a dead end mail me off and I will try to get it out at the earliest.

- Dead Pep

Whats in a Name.. ?

2005-06-27T15:46:00.000-07:00

Just read the ET article on GSPC striking $ 50 biliion gas in KG basin. Sounded interesting.. so I read on..

Grappled with curiosity, I couldn't wait to reach the end of the article.. but then, in the very first line on the fifth para I read something that sent me rolling-on-the-floor, holding my stomach, laughing it out. Before you guys get a dose of it... here is a precursor..

Microsoft names its forthcoming version of Windows ..... one that is supposed to change the way an operating system is perceived by the IT community.. as Longhorn...

Apple christens its latest OS .... the best release of all the Operating Systems Apple has every churned out from its factories..one that is ready to take Windows head-on...as Tiger

Such is the legacy of connotations that follow anything of great magnitude.. anything that is supposed to have a great impact on future events.. atleast in foresight.

Now, our very own, home grown, GSPC calls the largest find the past 30 years.. one that can meet the needs of Delhi and Mumbai single-handedy... Deendayal

It would not take a shrewd reader's brain nor the quintessential bibliophile to pose this question.... "What in gods name is that ?"
But, if you are a keen follower of the Indian media... one is supposed to take such idiosycnracies in ones stride.. make it a part of ones walk-of-life.. one is expected to LIVE WITH IT.

But that makes one wonder... how long will this.. what the heck.. who cares.. attitude continue..
If such is the prudence displayed by these so-called behemoths in the indian energy sector in casting appellations that overshadow the very significance of an invention or a discovery; when will the world ever take notice of what India is all about. When will it know that it is more than a land of snakes and camels.. When will it know that people in India do more than just breeding..

Sigh !!.....This leads me to only one conclusion... only one philosophy.. which has had its roots deep inside the echelons of the psyche of the indian people
I AM NOT OK... YOU ARE NOT OK.. BUT THATS OK...

-Dead Pep

Then, Now and Forever...

2005-05-24T10:43:00.000-07:00

"Crap.. crap and super crap" will be voice of the people when they come out watching most of the recent bollywood flicks and for some of the sensitive junta this is nothing but a mockery of their intellect..

At a movie theatre, .. having made the horrible journey thru the traffic ...having shelled out a hundred bucks... ,one expects to get a decent getaway from the rut of life. Just then, the lights go out, the projectors come up and it is does not take the astute mind to realise that it has fiasco written all over it. One begins to wonder how the so-called directors, producers, the crew and most importantly the self-proclaimed "superstars" have put in lesser thought in making these movies than a retard would do in eating his own poop.

Nevertheless, then comes the odd movie that is supposedly "different".. and the usual interview lines of the crew say.. "this movie has a soul".. "each song has a purpose".. "the hard work will surely pay off"... "we enjoyed a lot on the sets"... "each day was a thrill"... well not for the audience though... How can a tall white monkey doing "Shaava Shaava" in from of a hundred black apes justify as a super hit and a substantial and essential piece of any feature film.

Lets face it guys.. songs and heroines in hindi movies are just there for their aesthetic value.. They do not serve any more purpose than the hair growing in ones armpits... they are there coz they have been there since the old days.. The entire bollywood industry is like an old gramaphone.. which once gets stuck on a track will keep on howling... "Main tere... ".. "Main tere..." ... "Main tere..".. until you lift the pin , jerk it off a bit when it will continue.. "pyaar mein paagal"...

If cramps are for athletes then rigormortis is surely for the audience.

- Dead Pep

A fool art thou...

2005-05-23T13:54:00.000-07:00

The indan media has become a commodity nowadays.. Watched as a NEWS on tv... Read as a newspaper... and wrapped as a tiffin cover...

Does it really deserve the adulation, the importance and the hype surrounding it ?
Does it do justice to the powers vested in it ?
Does it serve a purpose any different than a blog site ?
Lets explore a bit here, shall we ?

Take TOI for instance, Gone are the days when the Times of India used to be a power packed newspaper.. a one stop shop for all the information .. all the happenings.. and a authentic source at that..
But now, if you happen to randomly pick one of its editions.. from anywhere in the country.. and check out the actual "content" .. out of the 20 odd pages.. some 5 to 6 pages will have adverts... 1 to 2 with public outcrys.. some 4 to 5 with telecast informations, classifieds, and tender notices... Then ofcourse, the local supplment, a total masala corner.. as if the rest of the paper was something different. Moreover, to continue the facade of being a dedicated paper, they have the sports corner which talks nothing but cricket... the international news.. which talks nothing but america (mind you.. a news that comes from their "correspondents" from the US).. They must be kidding us... Do we have "fools" slapped all over our foreheads ?

Secondly, take the news channels.. The aaj taks, the ndtvs, the zee, the star, the hotline, the cold line, and god alone knows what else..

The coverage of the election results is when it becomes a motley of errors.. A channel mite report BJP to be leading.. while the other reports the congress to be ahead. One does not know whom to follow.. the aaj tak.. the ndtv.. or his common sense..
The irony is the fact that they have managed to beguile their viewers to such an extent that.. even a the eruption of a third world war would be something that will be marketed for publicity..

As if this was not enough.. they have these surveys and ratings, each deeming themselves to be the leading news provider; the talk shows.. the debates , which try to bring in the "public" opinion.. into the game. As a news channel, its modus operandi should not be to bring the people into the news.. but to get the news to the people.

The media talks.. we listen
The media cries.. we wipe its tears..
The media whines.. we coax it..
The media.. aha.. it is time we spank it and get it to "work"

Till the time.. when we have a unadulterated and unbiased media.. This country will still be an alsoran and not a leader.

- Dead Pep